Tag Archive for life

I’m A Social Mess

I’m a worrier. I’ve always been a worrier. My head is constantly whirling with thoughts and concerns – what I need to do, what I haven’t done yet, what I’ve done wrong. Sometimes it renders me incapable of being myself in a social group. I get nervous, anxious, like the spotlight is on me. And then I blush. No no, not a cute little blush which gently sprinkles my face with a rosy hue – it’s a full amber alert which heats up my entire body and dampens my face which of course people comment on which in turn makes me flush an even deeper colour. Call it social anxiety, call it shyness, call it me just being stupid, but I can’t stop myself from turning into an anxious, mute, red-faced goon when I’m faced with new people. It’s probably me being an over-thinker – I think too much about what other people are thinking – what response will I get if I say this? Will they think I’m weird? Funny? It’s exhausting. I’ve never really been the type to care too deeply about what other people think of me – I have my friends, I have my family and that’s all I’m really concerned about. It’s just the whole meeting new people that I have this internal struggle with. I admit myself, I’m probably not the most interesting of person when you first meet me – I turn into an awkward and fumbly mess of a human being which makes people think that I’m boring and got nothing interesting to say.

Thing is, I don’t remember feeling this feeling as great as I do now. I was shy I guess in school, I was slightly awkward and not someone who was full of confidence but I don’t recall having a constant overload of thoughts whirling around my head. I guess I first noticed it fully when I went to university. The whole being in a big group thing terrified me. I was surrounded by people who shone confidence, who were funny and quick witted and able to join new social groups quickly. And I found that difficult to do – I found it difficult to integrate myself that quickly into something new and it slowed me down. I’m much better at finding my feet first, meeting a few new people, forming attachments, rather than hurtling myself full speed into huge groups of people.

Being in Australia is amazing. And in some ways it has improved my confidence but it hasn’t really improved on my social awkwardness. But I am out here for another 8 months and I am working on it – I’m trying to do new things, and I’m trying not to let my head control my social interaction.

However, it’s getting to that point where I should start thinking about applying for jobs for when I get home. It’s not going well. I read job descriptions of the particular industries I want to go into and I tell myself that there’s no point in applying for that – I won’t get anywhere, I’m not confident enough, haven’t got that charisma, that charm.

Overthinking is never good and anxiety is awful. Your brain works a mile a minute forcing you to believe that you’re not good enough, that people don’t really like you, you’re going nowhere. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to be that person that has confidence shining from their pores, who can walk into social situations and be charming and full of fun and laughter. I feel like I’m throwing myself a little pity party at the moment. I guess everyone overthinks. And not everyone is as confident as they perhaps portray. I just need to get a hold of myself – there’s a world out there which I am going to be part of someday. I will be that person. It might take some time, but I am working on it. Or if all fails, I’ll just live out my days in the Australian outback. At least then you won’t be able to see my blush through all the sunburn….

Am I overthinking things?

Hands up who has no idea what they want to do with their life?

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Honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in a universe where I’m walking blindfolded through life, where I’m the only person who has no idea where they should be in the world. But of course, I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. I think everyone feels a little lost sometimes, right?

I graduated from university this summer and like many recent graduates, I am well and truly confused. The real world is big and scary and it’s a daunting thought trying to figure out where you fit in it. I had a lecturer who once said “when you leave here, you’re all going to have an identity crisis”. Everyone laughed of his comment, the thought of leaving the safe haven of uni so far away. But here I am, a new graduate, booking a plane ticket to the other side of the world to get me away from making decisions.

megan graduation

My problem is – I worry too much. I overthink to the point where I talk myself out of doing things, where I make myself believe that I can’t do it, that I won’t be able to. Which is stupid, because really how can you think that, when you’ve never even tried? I have interest in a few different career options but everytime I talk myself into something, I talk myself out of it. It’s a vicious circle of self doubt and lack of confidence that I should probably start to work on. I spend too much time comparing myself to other people, looking at their lives and wondering how they have it all together. I spend far too much time worrying that I’m letting people down, if me being so unprepared is disappointing my family, that unlike my sisters who seem to have it all together, I’m the one letting the family down. Which is stupid. Because everyone is different and no one is perfectly content with their lives – the grass is always greener so to speak. And everyone, everyone has the same doubts, the same worries that I do. I’m not the only one who feels this way. We are all just kids in adult clothing trying to make our way through life.

Am I overthinking?

However, despite my uncertain future, I can’t help but feel a little happy that I have no career plans. It gives me a chance to travel, to explore the world, do something I love. When I finally decide what I want to do, I want it to be the right decision, I don’t want to rush into something and regret it as soon as I’m there. I’m thankful for this time where I can work in my average, minimum wage job, go home and not worry about it until the next day; where I can relax a bit and not be bogged down with responsibilities and commitments; where I can book a one way ticket to Australia and have the trip of a life time. Of course, being a worrier, I worry that me moving to Australia for a year is just another divergent technique to get out of making the tough decisions, of escaping “real life”. But then again, “real life” is right now. I have the rest of my life to find a career but right now, at this point in my life, I want to experience life. I want to explore the world, and be indecisive; I want to be able to pick up my life and move it to the opposite end of the world and I want not to have to worry about things for a little while.

I guess what I’m saying is this – I don’t think one person in the world knows what they’re doing. You could be the happiest, richest,most confident person but still feel like something is missing, that you have no idea who you are and everyone else is doing it better. Everyone compares themselves to the people around them and everyone puts themselves down.5-live-the-life

Not knowing who you are is part of growing up. And part of growing up is pretending you have it all figured out when you really, really don’t. So I’m learning – well trying to – to chill a little. To stop worrying so much about the little things, to stop worrying so much about my future when I have so much to look forward to right now. Like moving to Australia for a year and having a pretty good time.

So you are not alone. It’s about time we all admitted how uncertain we all really are. It’s about time we stopped living up to other people’s expectations, to stop thinking we should have it all together and learn to embrace life and live a little. You know, like that famous Boyzone philosopher said: “life is a roller coaster, you’ve just gotta ride it.”

(Can’t believe I just ended a blog post with a song lyric from Ronan Keating. Don’t judge).inspirational quotes on life (1)